Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
