So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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