you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
