I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
