; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
