Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
