I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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