On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
