I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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