she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
