I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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