I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She's just so happy...and so naked.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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