My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
