i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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