a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Bring me that man meat
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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