Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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