Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
