if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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