Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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