I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
