if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
