Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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