Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
