I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize