my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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