I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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