I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
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