While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
