and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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