My friends, they love my intelligence
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
