he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i think i just lost a toe
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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