Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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