I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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