Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
