After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
