see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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