Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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