Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
