Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
