Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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