the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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