Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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