Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
