I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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