Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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