Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Alive.
So much puke
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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