who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
