Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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