It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
