i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
