Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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