I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
