i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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