I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
