Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
