There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
