I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
