everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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