i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize