i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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