Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
