Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
