I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
