Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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