Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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