Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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