Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
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