what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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