I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
