i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
