Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
