just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
